Life is like a brownie. You never know which kind you’re going to get, and what the brownie is composed of, who made it, or what it’s going to taste like.
The response to the email I sent to my step brother, Fredrick, was vague, but at the same time brutally severe. He received my message a few days after I sent it (I know this because it tells you if it has been read or not), but casually neglected to reply to the message. Instead, I woke up the next day to find that his profile was switched from public to private overnight, meaning that I can’t see it anymore.
What a prick.
I admit that this move did not go over well with me; I more or less spent the next few days in a shattered mental state, wallowing in the fact that after all these years of building up the courage to contact them, it would turn out that it would be all for nothing. Couldn’t he at least have said something, even if it were, “Never contact me again,” or something equally blunt and insulting? Why did he just make his profile private? That is such a slap in the face.
On the bright side, though, one not-so-wretched thing that did come out of my message was that while Fredrick’s profile went from public to private, Dominic’s profile went from private to public. I could never see it before… but this morning, when I went to check, I could. I don’t know what this means. It could just be a huge coincidence, or it could be his way of telling me that while his brother may not want anything to do with me, he does. However, if that is true, why the HELL can’t he email me? I can tell from lurking around his Myspace that he’s a bright sixteen year old. Surely, if he wanted to honestly make contact with me, he would find a better way than making his profile public?
This sudden move could also mean that he does not wish to talk to me, but at the same time, wants me to have a glimpse of his life. By making his profile public I can see quite clearly at the person that he has become- I can see his writing style, his friends, his taste in music and art, his personality, even pictures of him. With a public profile, it could be like I’m in his life, in a way… except that I’m not. Which, unfortunately, could be beneficial to him.
I honestly don’t know what to do at this point. I could contact Fredrick again, or I could give up on him and move to Dominic, or I could give up on both of them because chances are they both read my message and agreed that I have never and will never be good enough for their family. I’m leaning toward the latter, mainly because despite the fact that I care about them, I do not want to get hurt again. Having Fredrick respond to my message hurt me like having a frozen knife plunged into your spinal cord, and I certainly do not want to feel that kind of pain again.
I did my part; I gave them their bricks, cement and measuring tape. It’s their turn to decide whether or not to build the house, and then if they choose, build it. Like I said before, they’re smart kids. If they want to have me in their life I’m sure they’ll find a way.
…And if they don’t, well, shit happens. I tried. Life is morbidly cruel. There is really nothing I can do about it.
…Right?
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