vague mystique.

The past few weeks have been morbidly labyrinthine at best.

Honestly, I feel as if my existence has turned into one of a Gossip Girl (Blair Waldorf’s to be specific, as she is my favorite character) over the past few weeks. I went from being an innocent, ordinary, nothing-too-special teenage girl to a completely corrupted, boundary lacking, philosophical female who laughs in the face of everything that threatens to destroy her. I feel like a completely different person… and I am not sure yet if this is a good thing or a bad thing.

I mean, don’t get me wrong- there are parts of me that haven’t been destroyed or transformed, that are still me. My desire to become an English teacher at a private school as well as a Young Adult author and skydiving instructor has not changed, and my love for writing is still as strong as ever (Even though I haven’t exactly been writing adequately as of late). I still want to travel when I get older, and I still want to impulsively go to Tokyo for a weekend early in my teaching career and stay at one of those capsule hotels that they talk about on the travel channel from time to time. I want to adopt Japanese/Chinese/Korean teenagers when I am older, and I want to live in a gorgeous house in a nice community with a fantastic school district. Basically, my plans for the future have not changed.

The part that has changed, however, is the way that I am dealing with the occurrences in my life. Since the start of this blog, I have been writing about all of the disastrous plot twists that is my existence, about the shattered soul that inhabits my mangled, imperfect self, and how everything in my life is piling up to a point where I feel like I am trapped at the bottom of the ocean floor gasping for air, drowning, suffocating, about to be another statistic in the teenage asphyxiation category. I never dealt with this very well. I always fought against all the unfortunate occurrences with all of my strength, tried to push off the ocean floor to the surface, kick and thrash against the waves of the dark abyss that carried me there in the first place. This is no longer the case.

The new philosophy that I have adapted in life is called the “Fuck It” philosophy. Unlike the philosophy before it, which was just doing whatever made me happy, this philosophy’s main goal is to just not care. Truth be told, I got this brilliant piece of perspective from my beloved James, who, in fact, is still in my life, despite the fact that he still does not wish to pursue a relationship with me. His home life is extremely similar to mine, and his past is quite more horrific, so I know from his experience using this philosophy that it is effective. He uses it as his way of life. As of the past month or so, I do as well.

This philosophy deals with a lot detachment from the world, and the logic behind it is that if you cease caring about what happens to you, then your life will become easier and more bearable. You will have less to handle, less to worry about, less to stress out over. You do not even have to hold your own life dear to you- if you live, you live. If you die, you die. It is similar to suicide in the way that you honestly don’t have a problem with dying at this exact moment of your life, but different in the way that you’re not going to take direct action against your life- everything you do will be indirectly at best.

The only things that I have chosen to continue giving a shit about are my future, getting into college, and maintaining some type of relationship (It doesn’t have to be great) with my immediate family and a select few friends. Even though they have caused me an immense amount of strife over the years, I want Serena and my grandmother to have the world. Of course that won’t happen though, so I’m going to have to settle for just making life easier for them. This will not happen emotionally, but physically- since our financial status isn’t exactly the best right now, and we can barely afford to pay the bills, I want to keep my presence in the household as cheap as possible. I have applied at about ten places throughout the district, barely eat anything (There are deeper reasons for this however), try to keep the electricity down to a minimum, and every so often, yes, I do take freezing cold showers even though I am SO the hot showering type. Like oh my gosh!

Everything else I do not care about anymore. I don’t care about my existence, and I don’t care about what happens to me. I don’t care that karma hates me, and that my life gets progressively worse with every year, and that I’m always fighting with my family. I don’t care that my brother and law got arrested last night, and that Serena texted me at four o’ clock in the fucking morning to tell me this. I don’t care that Serena is an alcoholic and a drug abuser, and I don’t care that my grandmother wishes that Serena and I weren’t around. I don’t care that my biological mother is an alcoholic and chose vodka over my sister and I, and that my father hasn’t spoken to me in years and doesn’t plan on it. I don’t care that my childhood has sucked, and that the past few years I have been suicidal, and that this year in particular has been dreadful. I don’t care that I’m a broken person, and that guys aren’t really into me. I don’t care that I’m socially awkward, and really just awkward in general. I don’t care that I’m extremely shy, and fall down a lot, and am not that athletic except for certain sports. I don’t care that the only thing I’m really good at is writing, and that I convey my feelings WAY easier through text than through speaking. I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care, I DON’T CARE! Life can throw ANYTHING at me and I WILL NOT CARE.

Knowing this, there are probably a few things that you should be aware of:

• I only ended up fooling around with Brenden once, because it caused a shitload of drama to happen. However, I do not regret doing it, and never will, for it has opened me up to a new best friend named Violet, and I honestly love her so much and spend a lot of my free time with her. She is the third person that I consider “best friend”.
• Violet is Brenden’s ex girlfriend. They went out for over a year, and she broke up with him, but they still both love each other, and Brenden has already cheated on his new girlfriend with Violet (They didn’t sleep together, though. There are other forms of cheating besides that).
• Violet used to want me dead but once she figured out that Brenden wasn’t that into me and that I wasn’t that much of a threat, we became friends. Then, best friends.
• I’m going to movies tonight with Brenden. I haven’t hung out with him since that night we hooked up. I am extremely nervous and feel that Violet is going to get upset over this. I am aware that some may view going to the movies with a taken guy as “cheating”. I only have friendly feelings for him, though. As I said, I love James.
• I am currently working on a lie to prevent the loss of a new best friend because of this.

• Last Friday Violet and I got completely trashed for the first time. It was incredibly fun, and I ended up texting Brenden and James telling them both how much I love them, even though in all honesty I only love James. I ended up saying a lot of things to Brenden that I shouldn’t have. James got mad that I kept texting him and it caused some drama, but we fixed it the next night at a party we both attended.
• Violet and I both have self destructive, addictive natures, and both of us plan to do a lot of stupid things this summer… even though we both have already done many reckless things. Now that I no longer care, and have three glorious months without worrying about school, I want to live.